Saturday Sweetness

Today started early on the tennis court. Chris played his first real match today, and he did great. Up until today, we'd only just hit the ball around. Chris teaches part-time at a local community college, and he had to spend some time preparing his classwork. So after tennis he worked on that and I went shopping. I love bookstores, and Chris is luke warm on them, so I hit a couple used bookstores and also hit Barnes & Noble. I spent like 2 hours browsing through the bargain book section. Found a nice book on massage. After I got back from shopping, we went out for Indian food. My brother introduced us to an awesome Indian restaurant a while back. It's called "Indian Palace," something nice and generic, but the food is awesome. And what's dinner without dessert? We just got back from Cold Stone Creamery. Great place. Chris had coffee ice cream with Nestle Crunch in a chocolate-covered dish-cone. I had chocolate ice cream with double-Heath crunch in a cup. We tipped them a buck, but they sang only for like 5 seconds. The last time we went to Cold Stone, they sang for 20 or 30 seconds for only a quarter tip. We felt cheated. Day-in-the-life of us. Dull but true.

Funny Frackin' Friday

I don't know if anyone saw William Shatner's roast on Comedy Central. I heard it wasn't that good, but from the clips I've seen, it seems hilarious. So, here's George Takei's bit. This isn't work safe. Of course, yesterday's post wasn't either. Enjoy!

Half-Nekkid Thank-you

Thanks everyone for the compliments today. I hope I didn't get anyone fired with the backal nudity. I'll have to figure out how to display just a text link on my blog and store the pic elsewhere. I'm not used to getting compliments like this. During middle school, high school, college, and several years afterward, I was rail-thin and very self-conscious. Then I gained weight until I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. I had never really been proud of my body. About two years ago I started taking better care of myself and I am happy with the results. There still are things I'm working to improve, of course, but overall I'm proud of what I've accomplished. So all the compliments are humbly appreciated. And by the way, I do enjoy sunbathing nude, but I can't jog nekkid, hence the tan-line. ;)

HHNT

I've had a frustrating morning, but heck, it's Half-Nekkid Thursday, so frack 'em all! Haha! Grrrrrr..... Ok, I'm back. Chris snuck up on me and snapped a pic of me while I was brushing my teeth. I might be all nekkid in this pic, or I might not. That's for you to decide.

Need to laugh

Ok, the past couple posts have been of a serious nature, and I'm working on others that are more serious, so I need to laugh. Tornwordo reminded me of one of Ellen's stand-up routines about procrastination, and I found these on YouTube. I love Ellen. Truly love her. She's a goddess.

Focus on the Positive

Ok, the last post was depressing, so to stay focused on the positive, I went searching for info on all the gains the GLBT community has made. Most of it I already knew in bits and pieces, but here's a compilation of what I found. ************************************************************** Same-sex marriage is currently legal in: * Belgium, Canada, the Netherlands, and Spain. * Massachusetts. ** Update: I had read that gay marriage was legal in South Africa, but apparently South Africa's Constitutional Court has ordered the parliament to change the current laws to recognize marriage as a "union between two persons." Parliament has until December 2, 2006 to make this change. Thanks to Leon for providing this update! Civil Unions, with variations in the extent of the rights granted, are legal in: * Croatia, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Hungary, Iceland, Luxembourg, Norway, Portugal, Sweden, and Switzerland. * The Brazilian state of Rio Grande do Sul. * The Argentinian states of Rio Negro and Buenos Aires. * New Zealand, Western Australia and Tasmania. * Vermont and Connecticut. Domestic Partnerships are offered in: * California, Maine, New Jersey, and Washinton, D.C. Discussions are under way to legalize full gay marriage in France and Sweden, both of which already offer civil unions. In addition to the status of gay marriage, there are innumerable organizations that advocate for gay rights on an international, national, and state level. A partial list includes: International Gay Rights Organizations International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission International Lesbian and Gay Association US National Gay Rights Organizations Gay, Lesbian, & Straight Education Network (thanks Chris Tuttle!) Human Rights Coalition Lambda Legal Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays National Gay and Lesbian Task Force State organizations in virtually every US state. There are dozens of queer magazines, including the Advocate, Out, Instinct, Genre, and tons of local GLBT magazines and newspapers. The GLBT movement has so much support, there's no way anyone can continue repress us. ************************************************************** After this little research project, I have no doubt that progress toward full equality for GLBT folk will be much faster than any civil rights movement in history. But yesterday, in a restaurant in Southwest Florida, I let one ignorant bigot temporarily erase from my mind the memory of all the positive forces at work on this planet. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

And Generations to Go...

Yesterday, Chris and I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt depicting a boy holding a confederate flag and pissing on the NAACP. I could only shake my head in disbelief and wonder how long it will be before intolerance is no longer fashionable. 152 years after the end of the US Civil War, 110 years after the Supreme Court ruled that "separate but equal" was okay, and 52 years after the Supreme Court then decided that "separate but equal" was fundamentally flawed, open racism and bigotry are still considered "cool" in some circles. I wonder when we'll have the first openly queer Supreme Court justice. Thurgood Marshall was the first black Supreme Court justice in 1967, fully 102 years after slavery was officially abolished. If Stonewall can be used as a milestone analagous to the end of the US Civil War, then we're looking at circa 2071 before we have a gay Supreme Court justice. Assuming a generation is about 30 years, it seems we have many generations to go before intolerance is history and acceptance is the fashionable norm. We can hope that humanity as a species is getting smarter, and that the free flow of information will help speed things along. Side note: As I was thinking about this, it occurred to me that some people take offense at "equating" the fight for gay rights with the fight for black equality. Most of the offense I have heard is based on religious arguments and quotes from the Bible. These same people likely have forgotten that slavery itself was defended on religious grounds with quotes from the same Bible. The biggest difference I've seen between the fight for gay rights and the fight for black rights is that gay people can pretend to be straight and therefore blend in, while black people can't pretend to be white. Other than that, there are more similarities than differences.

Progress?

Last Thursday I reduced my Effexor dosage to 37.5mg/day, which is 1/4 what my previous normal dosage was. I'd been on 75mg for about a month, and prior to that, I was on 112.5mg for about 2 months. Thursday was a great day, but I don't think it was because of the Effexor. The weather was finally nice enough to open the house up, so I had a kind of "fall fever." Other than Thursday, my moods have been hit-and-miss throughout each day. I haven't felt any noticable withdrawl symptoms like dizziness, nausea, or lack of concentration. I have felt a little less "stable" though, and I'm unstable enough as it is. I plan to stay on the 1/4 dose for another week to give it a chance. My ultimate goal by reducing the dosage is to determine my minimum effective dose. I resent being physically addicted to this drug, being dependent on this unnatural substance for my happiness. I want to use as little of it as possible. In other news, today we saw a guy wearing a T-shirt depicting a boy holding a confederate flag and pissing on the NAACP. It's no wonder gays don't have rights in this country. Too many people have yet to cross the racial divide. More on this later.

Funny Frackin' Friday

Sincere thanks everyone for the compliments and comments yesterday. I wasn't consciously fishing for them, but I'm sure my all-powerful subconscious knew exactly what it was doing. Y'all make me feel good. I've discovered a drawback of working from home: when the neighbor hires a tree-trimmer to trim every fucking tree on their property, and the only tool the trimmer has is a very loud chainsaw. Which brings me to today's Funny Frackin' Friday: Q: How many tree trimmers does it take to trim my neighbor's trees? A: Only one, but it takes him two days (and counting). Also, in celebration of the upcoming Battlestar Galactica Season 3, I changed Funny Freakin' to Funny Frackin'. If you don't like it, frack off (it's so fracking awesome that they made up a swear word so they could swear on TV).

HHNT

This is my first Half-Nekkid Thursday! I'm both excited and nervous. Oh well, here goes... In response to GayProf's recent need for an M&M feeder, I offered myself for the position. The dress code for the job appears to be gladiator attire, and while I don't have such an outfit in my wardrobe, I found this in my closet this morning: I have experience with plain, peanut, almond, mint, peanut butter, and Christmas versions of M&M's. I only hope my experience gets me the job.

Apathy

I awoke today feeling something like: Intense lethargy: is that an oxymoron? Sluggishness: I don't leave a trail of slime or have antennae. Listlessness: I have tons of lists, too many lists, lists of lists. Apathy: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. Yes! That's it! Ahhhh, now that I know what I'm feeling, I can hopefully get on with my day. After I make breakfast. And maybe a little nap. And lunch. Afternoon tea anyone?

Details

The tennis club we joined a couple months ago just doubled their lesson rates. We used to be able to afford to take lessons every week, but now we'll have to cut that to twice a month, maybe less. We're thinking of not doing any lessons in protest of the obvious greed they're demonstrating. I'm pissed about it and had a nice rant to post, but I thought better of it. I'd rather save space in my jar for real golf balls. This is just a grain of sand. So, instead of a rant, I'm going to post the first 20 items on my evolving list of "100 details." I have enjoyed many other people's lists, and hope you will enjoy mine. I don't have all 100 yet, so I'm going to post them in groups of 10 as I can. So, without further ado...

1. I have long red hair.
2. I hated my hair when I was growing up. Now I love it.
3. A girl in middle school once told me I was the ugliest person she knew.
4. I do not believe in any kind of supreme being.
5. I prefer things to be as simple as possible. They usually aren't.
6. I am into nutritional supplements, maybe too much.
7. I believe in organic food.
8. I believe the idea of America is good. It's the execution that's failed.
9. I react poorly to authority. Especially stupid authority.
10. I no longer drink alcohol. I used to drink too much.
11. I love beer. Now I drink non-alcoholic beer.
12. I believe marijuana is not nearly as harmful as cigarettes or alcohol. It may actually have some benefits. I'm just too chicken-shit to use it.
13. I buy hemp clothing because I think hemp is good for the planet.
14. I drive a diesel VW Golf. I get 40 mpg (17 km/l).
15. I twitch when I sleep.
16. I don't have any major allergies that I know of.
17. When I was 14 years old, I was hit by a car and had brain surgery to fix a subdural hematoma.
18. I went to Tulane University in New Orleans.
19. I got a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science in the standard 4 years.
20. I nearly drank myself out of both my freshman and sophomore years of college.

Weekend Retrospective

We had a great weekend. Friends from Punta Gorda came down on Saturday for lunch, and we ate at a local restaurant overlooking the water. On Sunday, Peter and Jake from central Florida came down and we gave them a tour of the area. We had dinner at our favorite local Mexican place. It was a great getting-together-with-friends weekend. We started work on the lattice on the front of our house. It's looking good so far, and I think it will be exactly what we wanted. I also started writing a self-talk script for myself. Self-talk isn't new to me, but I haven't put forth the effort to actually write a script. If anyone has some self-talk that works for them, or is interested in self-talk, let me know. I'd be interested in hearing some other opinions. Back to work again today, and not feeling so down as I have before. I think interaction with people gives me a little more optimism, and I'm feeling it today.

Funny Freakin' Friday

Don't know if another blogger has already started this tradition. If not, I'll have to come up with a logo or something like HNT has. In any case, here's something to guffaw about on this last day of the work week. Enjoy! I couldn't find any copyrights to these images, but if they are copyrighted, all copyrights are property of their respective owners. If these images are in violation of any copyrights, please let me know and I will remove them from this site.

Blog Persona

One of my idols growing up was Hawkeye Pierce on the TV show M*A*S*H. Like him, I make a lot of jokes, most of which probably aren't "good" jokes. For some reason, though, my sense of humor and innate goofiness don't come through on my blog. My blog is formal, when in real life I'm not formal at all. I don't dress nicely, my house isn't a formal place, and I have a lot of strange ideas that get blurted out before I have a chance to muzzle them. Not only am I more formal on my blog than in real life, but my "real self" seems to be a lot less spontaneous than it used to be. I have become much more cautious and conventional as I've gotten older. I think part of it might be that I stopped drinking. I was able to let it all hang out (sometimes literally) when I got drunk. I don't have alcohol anymore to use as a key to open me up. I've thought about finding other things to replace alcohol, but to be blatantly honest, I would absolutely love to be able to be free to do whatever I want (within limits) without any external influence. I want to be free and social and joking and energetic all on my own. These thoughts leave me wondering where to start. How do I go about resurrecting an old me? And how do I start showing more of my real self in my blog? Even this post leaves me thinking, "Bleh, so serious!"

Slapdashery

I was recently honored by an invitation to join the group blog Gay Men Rule. I posted my first post today, so if you feel so inclined, check it out at your leisure. I'm not quite sure what to post there vs. what to post here, but at the rate I've been going, I'll have plenty of things to write in both for a while. Blogging has certainly changed my life. I'm pretty sure I don't have a blogging problem yet. I haven't missed any work because of blogging, my relationship is still strong, and I haven't had any blackouts. I do have some other symptoms mentioned here and here, but I'm not quite ready to check myself into Betty Ford. My boyfriend Chris was complaining this morning that his coffee tasted like soap (the coffee pot got cleaned yesterday). I told him I would make him another pot, and he said, "No, I'd rather complain. It's quite fun." Before I started psychotherapy, I always wondered about "the secret to a happy life." After about 2 years of individual and group therapy and a lot of soul searching, I've come to the conclusion that "the secret" is a bunch of little things improved a little bit at a time over a long period of time. There is no magic bullet, and the switch from unhappy to happy isn't immediate. Also, the journey to "happy" never ends. This all seems obvious, but it wasn't to me. Learning can be a painful process.

Back in the saddle

Chris and I just returned from a little mini-vacation in Daytona. It was heart-warming. It was reassuring. It was so much fun! When we left for Daytona, I'd expected to have some kind of connectivity to the internet when I arrived. There was nothing. I was cut off. Incommunicado. Hence the lack of blog entries and comments for the past 4 days. I apologize to those who felt neglected. For those who didn't notice I was gone...nevermind. ;) This is my first vacation since I started blogging, and now I realize the backlog that can build up. My newsgator showed 33 unread posts, and I don't even have all my regular blogs on newsgator yet. So, about the vacation. We don't have many gay friends in our area. The avenues for meeting new people here are few and far between, and most of the people interested in meeting are just looking for sex. About a year ago, we met another gay couple, Jake and Peter. They were vacationing nearby and wanted to get together. After a few chats and emails, we invited them over for dinner and had a wonderful evening with them. We got to know them, they got to know us, and we seemed to click right away. In the past year, we haven't seen Jake and Peter, and Chris and I kept discussing a trip to see them. Discussion finally transformed to determination, and we planned a few days off, coordinated a weekend that was good for them, and booked a room in Daytona. What we did: walked on the beach, saw the space shuttle launch, went to Epcot, rented a pontoon boat on the St. Johns river, and reconnected with good friends. Beyond the facts of the events, I'm having trouble finding the words to describe our weekend. Peter and Jake are caring, generous, fun, down to earth, laid back, the list goes on. We had such a great time with them. It's reassuring to know people like them exist. We're honored to know them and to be their friends. So now I'm kinda bummed. We're back into the old routine, back to work tomorrow, away from our friends, feeling piteous (or is that pitiful?).

I'm a Jeffersonian

A lady in Georgia was quoted recently in a CNN article as saying, "...George Bush was placed where he is by the Lord..." I'm guessing she wouldn't have voted for Thomas Jefferson, the principal author of the Declaration of Independence, the third president of the USA (2 terms), and the author of the Virginia Statue for Religious Freedom. Though, being our president for 8 years, I'm assuming he also was placed in office by the Lord. "I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature.....Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burned, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make half the world fools and half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the world." - Thomas Jefferson, in his Notes on Virginia.

Spouting off

I woke up this morning thinking about an article that referred to a Utah legislator's speech. It really pisses me off when: * Someone starts spouting off about how gay marriage (or anything gay-related) will destroy the "moral pillars of society." * No one stands up and calls them on their shit. The "moral pillars of society" is such a vague turn of phrase. The people who spout it usually are referring to Bibical morals, as though those apply to every individual in the world (including wiccans, buddhists, taoists, and every other non-Christian). Here's what I think defines the moral pillars of our society: * Mutual tolerance * Respect for individual rights * Freedom from oppression * Equality in every way possible These are just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are others that are based on decency and respect and not intolerance and religious bigotry. It seems so easy for a legislator to stand up and say this, but for some reason it never happens. I don't think I've ever heard a politician in this country sincerely say this. I hear dubya say it all the time, but he's so obviously a total hypocrite that I just want to puke when he talks.

Recent Fears

Recently I've read a few blog entries and comments that I have disagreed with. With one exception, I haven't posted my opinion. I can think of several reasons for this. First, I believe that most people's opinions usually can't be changed. I count myself as an exception to that rule on some topics, but I'm fairly skeptical about the general public's openness to new ideas. Second, I almost felt it didn't matter if I expressed my opinion. Sure, the bloggers put their opinions out for public viewing, but in a fit of inferiority or insignificance, I held my peace. Additionally, and related to my first point, I didn't want to open myself up to criticism. Some of the topics (like gay rights and religious opinion) don't lend themselves to logical discussion. Part of this is a mood thing for me. When I feel "hermitous," I am less inclined to put forth my opinion. I don't want to talk to people, and I don't want to comment. A bigger part of it is being unsure of myself and not wanting to "rock the boat." I've run into trouble before because I didn't open my mouth when I should have. I think a part of maturity is knowing when it is appropriate to be vocal and when I'm better off shutting up. It's not one of my strong points. The blogosphere is a strange place with unusual protocols. It's like a huge social mixer, where people wander around, listen to random conversations, and add their comments whenever they feel like it. I guess I'm not always comfortable putting in my $0.02 unless I'm fairly sure I'll get a friendly response. I want self-confidence to be a knee-jerk instinct for me, and I know it currently isn't. This is something I have been working on for a while, and I guess I still have a ways to go.

Lesson for the day

Recently I had a private tennis lesson, and here's what I learned: I have a limp wrist. Imagine that, a gay man with a limp wrist. Seriously, though, I bend my wrist when I bring my racquet back for both forehand and backhand. Then I flick my wrist the other way when I hit the ball. This leads to inconsistency in my shots. When I firmed up my wrist, my shots got much better. I also let my wrist "collapse" when I volley, which wreaks havoc on my volleys. So, lesson for today: keep a firm wrist. I'm gonna go do some wrist exercises. Hope everyone's holiday weekend was happy.

Not sure what to make of this

Hot Topic is mostly a goth, extreme-sports, alternative teen accessory store, carrying t-shirts with off-color mottos, body piercing jewelry, and other bizarre merchandise (am I getting old?). I've bought some stuff from them in the past, and I usually like the music and atmosphere in the store. We were in the Edison Mall in Fort Myers last weekend and noticed the front window of our local Hot Topic. There was a whole display of infant clothes that said stuff like, "I love my daddies," and "I love my mommies." There were wristbands, stickers, and numerous other things with rainbows on them, including this: Now I love a good joke, and I even love some bad jokes. I'm not sure if this joke is good or not. When I bought this, the clerk (a 16-something kid dressed in goth-fashion with multi-colored hair) didn't bat an eye. He rang it up, gave me my change, and wished me a good afternoon. I wear a hemp necklace with beads in the 6-color gay rainbow, and he glanced at it, so I'm pretty sure he knew what was up. He didn't look like he was interested in getting "recruited," but he didn't look like he took offense at either my presence or the sticker I purchased. Several ideas are circulating in my brain about the display in the store window and the sticker in particular. Fort Myers is still a small town despite recent massive growth. Having a store that shows a large gay display in their front window is very progressive and not something I would expect to see outside San Francisco, Wilton Manors, Vancouver, or P-town. It's either progressive or the people here are too ignorant to understand what it means. Or both. My initial reaction to the "Recruiter" sticker was that it is a joke. It seems like a tongue-in-cheek barb aimed at the religious right, saying, "You think all we do is wander around recruiting people to play for 'our team.' Well, we do, and I'm an official representative." My second reaction was to be offended that someone would conceive of such a sticker. I mean, does anyone sell stickers saying, "Closed-minded Bigot?" Or how about "Chauvanist Pig?" Or "Money-Grubbing Jew?" I have seen t-shirts that say, "Jewish American Princess," so maybe this sticker isn't too far off. Still, this sticker is similar to all the "humor" on TV and in the movies that is made at the expense of the LGBT community. I think most of it is funny, but I find myself wondering why it's funny. A perfect example is Lance Armstrong's opening monologue at the ESPY Awards this year. About halfway through he jokes with his friend Jake Gyllenhaal about liking it in the rear and keeping his eyes off Matthew McConaughey. Now why is that funny? Lance doesn't joke with Alonzo Mourning about being a 'nigga' or a 'brotha,' so why does he joke with Jake about possibly liking anal sex with guys? This whole post approaches the boundaries of political correctness, which I think I despise. I'm just not sure whether I should write a letter to "Hot Topic" asking them to discontinue the sticker or thanking them for carrying it and displaying it in the front window of their store.

Fashion?

I admit that I am fashion illiterate. I'm a jeans-and-t-shirt kind of guy, mostly because I know any t-shirt goes with any jeans and any shoes. I almost never dress up, even business casual, so I am desperately out of practice. Based on my wardrobe, I would never be pegged as gay. On occasion I get inspired to think about redoing my wardrobe. I go to the mall and see all the coordinated outfits on the mannequins and imagine myself walking down the street looking oh-so-fashionable. Then the feeling passes and I get an ice cream cone and go home in the same shabby clothes I arrived in. We subscribe to Details and Genre (got them free for subscribing to something else, I think). I flip through them and read the fashion articles (e.g., "Wear a diagonal-striped tie with a vertical-striped shirt to add dimension to your wardrobe.") These things make sense, but then I think, "Where will I ever wear a tie?" The last two times I've worn a tie were to two funerals over the past 5 years. So yesterday we went to the local Calvin Klein outlet, and they were having a 70%-off sale. We had mild breakdowns and bought "a few" things. Everything I bought goes with jeans, though, so I'm still in my comfort zone.

Dull void

Sloth: habitual disinclination to exertion; indolence; laziness. Slug: a person who is lazy or slow-moving; sluggard. I'm feeling a tad lazy this evening. We went out to dinner, but other than that, I'm planted in my recliner in front of the TV, cat on my stomach, laptop on my lap. I am multitasking, even at the peak of my inactivity. I'm watching the US Open on Tivo (Raphael Nadal vs. Luis Horna...two very hot guys), blogging, petting the cat (Sunny), and playing Eve Online.